Friends and Colleagues
A form letter I like to use for writing appropriate goodbye letters to hated workplaces:
Friends and colleagues!
On my last day here at (workplace), I want to express how (cheap lie) I am to have worked with all of you. My time here has been a (poor travel metaphor), and my experiences have really (sappy homile concerning spiritual growth). I have (excessive exaggeration) every moment I’ve spent here — from the day I (saccharine anecdote) to the times we (bland provincial reference).
I just want you all to know how much it’s meant to me to be here — I feel I’ve truly (verbed) my (buzzword) — and no matter where I go I will always “(inappropriate and ill-thought literary reference),” and carry with me the memory of (outdated inside joke). Really, I mean it — to me, (workplace) will always be (awkward colloquialism). I wish each and every one of you (highly generalized expressions of good will, as I am already forgetting your names). And let’s not forget (monkey reference)! Ha ha!
Love,
Harriet
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Really, I mean it — to me, (workplace) will always be (awkward colloquialism). I wish each and every one of you (highly generalized expressions of good will, as I am already forgetting your names). And let’s not forget (monkey reference)! Ha ha!
Marry me.
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Oh, the snarky babies we will have!
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This very closely mirrors various farewell emails sent by past co-workers. Like, they seriously may have used your template. We all mean so little of what we say…
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HA, brilliant!
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That was (profane modifier) hilarious!
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My bear read this and said, “No marryin’ Snarky!”
Then he went to:
1. Your blog
2. Shapely Prose (where he had already been, but not since you were added)
3. Your pen blog (oh, the squeals)
and finally he tracked down the movie he knew had something to do with your name.
He has since revised his opinion, and states that he would be consider some sort of communal marrying project.
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That’s how I (locomote).
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omg it’s so… *sniff* beautiful… i am moved to tears. tears of laughing my ass off.
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I hope you put it in with the (insert insertions here) intact.
Effin brill as always
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Much better than mine, which are generally just “(Insincere well-wishes), GOODBYE YOU (PROFANITIES)”. Oh no I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud!
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Did you get paid for your vacation days? Or did they let you leave early?
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Not actually done till next week. They’re making me work on some (in my opinion) really ridiculous last-minute tasks that they could hire a monkey to do. So that means they’ll be paying this monkey an absurd amount of vacation time on my way out.
All I have to endure now is the horror of a going-away party and a going-away gift. My greatest fear in life is that I will be given a scrapbook, and I will have to look through it in front of everybody and make robotic laughing sounds.
As for the going-away party, I asked for a potluck, specifically because some of the people that annoy me most in the office also happen to be obnoxiously picky eaters who throw a minor shitfit and refuse to eat every time we don’t order greasy restaurant food for them. During the potluck, I demanded that we watch The Office, which is just going to ramp the tension and awkwardness up to a boiling point of madness.
After watching The Office, we’re going to have staff meeting, which I think is a tactical error, to say the least. I’m pushing all the buttons on my way out, man.
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Oh, man, those going-away parties are the worst. My office had a going away party for a woman who was asked to leave, after a month of employment. We all just wanted to shoot ourselves and be done with it.
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Oh, god, we had one of those, too. We hired this poor woman for a policy project at the very end of a grant cycle, so full of hubris were we — of course the grant will be renewed! It always has been, right? And it’s not like there’s a recession, or anything, and it’s certainly not like the quality of our work has steadily been degrading. So, naturally, the grant cycle ends, the grant doesn’t get renewed, and we lay this lady off after a month and a half. This lady had, by the way, just moved to the state, so had no friends or family nearby either. For her going-away party, we played a dim and dreary game of Apples to Apples and ate some take-out Thai, then really delivered highly generalized expressions of goodwill, since all we knew about her was A) her name and B) she was fired. It was all, “Hey, so… good luck with that stuff you do… you know… that thing you’re working on… um… I’m sure you’ll do great at it.”
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Wow! That is much better than my general letter:
I have been offered and accepted another position; my last day will be (insert last day).
Thank you,
bellacoker
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THAnk you so much! I am using this on every job I leave. Oh and I will be using it…at least once a year for the rest of my life providing that I am not a victim of age discrimination when I’m 50-years-old then I will just become THAT homeless lady.
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