No-Name Bloggers | Mama Bear

No-Name Bloggers is a series that features posts from individuals who do not have blogs of their own. The purpose of the series is to encourage new voices from unknown individuals. No-Name Bloggers are encouraged to write about one of four themes: feminism, anti-racism, recovery, or personal introspection. Other themes may be accepted.

No-Name Blog Posts must fall within Harriet J’s usual guidelines for appropriate discourse on the site: no cross-talk, no value judgments, and speaking from personal experience (instead of generalized beliefs) is highly encouraged. Fugitivus is normally not a Feminism 101 space; however, to encourage a wide range of No-Name Bloggers, that requirement is not enforced for No-Name Blog Posts.

Harriet J may or may not agree with the content of No-Name Blog Posts; submission here only indicates that they fall within what Harriet considers a respectful framework of discussion. Though No-Name Blog Posts are potentially Feminism 101 areas, that does not mean abusive or offensive submissions or comments will be printed. No-Name Bloggers or commenters who do not understand the difference may be temporarily or permanently banned if and until they do.

At this time, No-Name Bloggers is not accepting unsolicited submissions.

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No-Name Blogger Mama Bear
Full disclosure: Mama Bear is a personal friend of Harriet J, and has commented previously on this site.

I have known Harriet for a little over 3 years, and when she asked me to be a guest on her blog, I was flattered, and completely freaked out. She is so incredibly intelligent and has so many valuable insights that I couldn’t even begin to dream of being able to share with the world. I am completely in awe of her and her writing talents. I have never done this before, so please bear with me!

I am a rape survivor. This is something very few people know about me; something I have never even told my own family (my husband is the only one in my family who knows). I knew the person who raped me, and had actually dated him at one point. Something changed in him that night; something that changed my life forever.

After I was raped, I didn’t tell anyone about what happened to me. I withdrew from most of my classes and all I could do was sleep. I completely shut down. I was living in a dorm, and I had only been a college student for a couple of weeks. I will never forget how frightened and ashamed and alone I felt.

A few years later, I learned about volunteering opportunities at a local rape crisis center. A classmate of mine had been volunteering at the center for years, and had nothing but good things to say about it. I contacted the center, and after meeting with the volunteer coordinator, I signed on to embark on this new journey. I went through the training and became a certified sexual violence crisis advocate a couple of months later.

As a sexual violence crisis advocate, I am available for crisis calls and I also do outreaches at a local hospital. I have been a sexual violence crisis advocate for a number of years, and I find the work to be incredibly difficult, but extremely rewarding.

I am extremely protective of the victims and survivors I have worked with, and because of this, I don’t feel comfortable sharing their stories.

I have heard so many people say to me, “I don’t know what to say to him/her”, “I don’t know how to help him/her.” I thought I would take this opportunity, as a rape survivor and a crisis advocate, to share with Harriet’s readers some things I have learned throughout the years that may, at some point, be helpful for you.

• The most important thing is to always believe someone when they tell you they have been sexually assaulted and/or abused. Telling is an incredibly difficult experience, regardless of whether or not it happened five minutes ago or five years ago. Yes, there are some people who falsely report their sexual assault, but an overwhelming majority of those who report their assault are telling the truth. It is so important to listen with an open mind and to believe.
• If someone has just been sexually assaulted and they plan to report what happened to them, it is important that they not bathe or even wipe after going to the bathroom prior to the evidentiary exam. Drinking or eating may compromise the ability to collect usable evidence as well. It really depends on the hospital and the location, but as a general rule, evidentiary exams must be completed within 72 hours following the assault.
• Never force a victim to report their sexual assault. It must be strictly their choice, because they are the ones who just been through it. The reporting and evidentiary collection process is difficult and can be very much like reliving the attack over and over again. Not everyone can go through the reporting process, and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t diminish what they went through and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t strong enough. Anyone who can survive a sexual assault or attempted sexual assault is so incredibly strong in my book.
• Most perpetrators of sexual assault and abuse are known to their victims. The number of reported sexual assaults typically increases during the summer and warmer months.
• A person who is intoxicated cannot legally consent to any kind of sexual activity. Regardless of how well you know a person, if he or she is intoxicated, stay on the safe side and don’t engage in sexual activity with that person. If your gut tells you that it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.
• It is so important to talk to your kids about sex and the fact that “no” will ALWAYS mean “no”. When your kids are young, start with “good touch, bad touch.” As they get older, talk to them about practicing safe sex and ways they can protect themselves (i.e., always walking in groups, never leave drinks unattended, etc.). This shouldn’t be a one-time conversation. It is not an easy conversation to have, but you need to make it clear to your kids that they can tell you anything. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I went through it alone. Nobody should ever have to go through anything like this alone.
• No one who goes through this deserves for this to happen to them. No one asks to be sexually assaulted. I don’t care if there were drugs or alcohol involved, or if the victim was dressed provocatively or was flirting a lot. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE RAPED. I have never understood society’s need to blame the victim when a rape occurs. It is never ever EVER the victim’s fault.
• Don’t worry if you don’t know what to say when someone tells you that they have been raped. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just listen and be there for them. I can’t tell you how many times I have sat in complete silence on the phone or in a hospital room with a victim. It may feel awkward for you, but you need to let the victim/survivor lead the conversation. Just remember to stay calm, listen with an open mind, and know that telling their story is a part of their healing process.
• Victims and survivors often blame themselves for what happened to them. Just remind them that they did not deserve this and NOTHING they could have done or said gives their perpetrator the right to violate and hurt them in this manner.
• Don’t expect for a victim/survivor to “get over it” or “go on with his/her life”. The healing process varies from person to person and there is no right or wrong way to heal. It is not your place to judge anyone because they aren’t healing quickly enough for you. Some victims will be seemingly okay right after their attack, but please remember that, at some point, they will more than likely hit a rough patch. The nightmares, flashbacks and low points can hit when you least expect them. Just be there for them and remind them that what they are experiencing is normal and that things will get better with time. It will get better with time.

In this line of work, I have heard and seen things that make me angry. I have heard and seen things that have given me nightmares and remind me of the evil that lurks in the world. I have heard and seen things that I will never ever forget. But I have also experienced the immense strength and power of a survivor. I can safely say that there is nothing like it in the world.

I hope that in reading this blog post, you will have learned something about sexual assault, the healing process, and how you can help someone who has been through it. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, and I hope that it has been helpful to you in some way.