Reaction Part 1.5
That Post Where I Said Nigger 19 Times
My bear, who knows me well, helpfully pointed out that my blog post about saying the word “nigger” to make people uncomfortable was just another instance of me saying the word “nigger” to make people uncomfortable, and he didn’t think it was any surprise that I put that post out there just after I became popular-and-not-sure-how-I-felt-about-it.
Well… yeah. I think he’s right. Here’s the thing. I have, on this blog, been called out for:
- using retard as a slur (warranted)
- using lame as a slur (warranted)
- using “Andrea Dworkin” as a slur (misunderstanding of my usage)
- using feminazi as a slur (misunderstanding of my usage)
Then I made a post saying “nigger” 19 times and nobody’s called me out for shit.
Should I be called out? I didn’t use the word as a direct insult to anybody, but it’s a terrible word, often mishandled in the hands of white people who think they should have a right to it, and I bandied it about like hotcakes, both in my post and in the time period that the post was about.
I can’t say whether I should be called out or not. I have started the work of being anti-racist, but that’s almost the only place anybody is: starting. There’s no end point, and there’s no place where you don’t put your foot in your mouth and do something privileged and stupid. I often feel like starting the work of anti-racism is just that: becoming willing to put your foot in your mouth and do something privileged and stupid, and accepting it graciously and with consideration when you’re called out for being a racist dope. I like to think I’m willing to be called out, to rethink what I’ve done. I like to put things like that post out there, publicly, so there is an opportunity for me to grow and change, rather than keeping it all pent up inside where I know it’s wrong but secretly believe it’s right. But that is also sloughing off responsibility on others to call me out, rather than calling myself out.
Maybe somebody came by and read that post and really felt like calling me out, but because A) nobody else had, and B) I hadn’t followed up with a “sorry for shouting racial slurs through the internet” post, maybe they felt this wasn’t a safe space for them. I can say it is, I can fall all over myself with reassurances that I will not get all self-righteous on you and I won’t let my commenters either, but if I already fucked up so hard by spouting off some racist shit, I’ve got no reason to expect them to believe me.
So instead I have to sit here in this muddled state of confusion, wondering if I did something stupid and I don’t know about it. And I am constantly tempted to throw off that muddle and say, “Well, I’m a good person so I’m sure I did nothing wrong, and anyway, nobody complained, so why am I even bothering to think about this?” It’s part of my privilege that I could do that, if I wanted to, and it’s part of my growing awareness and ability every time I decide against it. It sucks to be wondering if I fucked up. But that’s what I’ve got to do.
And this may be another fuck-up, but here goes:
If you are a reader and you think that post was really shitty of me, I would like to hear about it. I do not want to dismiss your opinion, or make you feel disrespected. I don’t want to, and I will try not to, but I still might, and that makes me feel pretty shitty and stupid. That’s all I can offer, and it’s not much, I know. I can also offer that I’ll keep working on it, and I’ll keep being willing to listen, and I’ll keep being willing to admit to things I’ve believed or felt in the past that I know now are wrong. And I’ll be willing to admit they were hurtful, and make amends where amends can be made.
Comments are closed.
I’m not a long time reader. I’m actually pretty new here, but I went back after getting linked to one of the posts on rape, because I liked the amount of thought you put into your posts and because it is staggering the amount of free time I have some days.
I caught the post, and I thought… you know, for the sake of good taste, you might have used the word a little less. But as a self-identified writer, I questioned myself in that, because I don’t believe we should be afraid of words, or necessarily make some category of words that should never, ever be used, in moderation or otherwise. Plus, you made the post before I arrived, and I thought saying anything would be a little like dredging up ancient history.
Since you’re bringing it up, yeah. I think it was a bit objectionable. If I was having a conversation with friends, I think I’d have asked they ease up a little bit, and stop using it. It would have made me uncomfortable.
But.
I also said I don’t think we should be afraid words. They’re tools, tools which can be used for good or used for bad [like all tools], but probably aren’t inherently either. Because of that, I think intentions are pretty important, and I don’t think your intent was malicious, so it didn’t register to me as insensitive or racist. It felt like you were trying to get at something, if not a little straightforwardly, and there’s certainly an argument that that’s a kind of sensitivity [though not the most sensitive sensitivity].
Racism tends, and I’m being broad here, to come from either an intentional bad act or slur, or from a kind of callousness, or unmindfulness. The former is usually easy to recognize, the latter is banal but still very, very bad. It seems you’re worried about falling into that last category, but the fact is, you were being mindful, you were giving a lot of thought to the matter. You missed some things. That’s not damnable, and your intentions were good. You might want to be a bit more aware in future postings, but this entry makes it feel like yeah, you will. None of that makes me think “racist dope.”
[Also, I think some of your interest was academic, which is valid, and somewhat intrigued by the shock value, which should not be neglected when it can be used beneficially. I related to both of those sentiments, which is another reason I didn't say anything. I'm used to being told it's not my place to openly consider those things, and I felt a bit of solidarity with you. But I also concede that those people who tell me that this might not be the time for a white guy to be talking about the word in the same way as Randall Kennedy, could be right.]
And I guess I should end this by stating that yes, I am white and male. So my answer of “Sort of, but I think you’re okay” might not have the validity you were looking for.
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I was actually going to comment on your post when I first read it, but I’m prone to lurking more than contributing :/
I liked the post overall. I liked the point about how people use ‘welfare queen’, ‘urban’ and so on to cloak their racism.
I pretty much identified with everything you said up until the convo with the college kids where you jumped in with the word ‘nigger’. I found it hilarious, but that was in the context of your post and the build-up so I could see where you’re coming from.
I was amused because I’ve done similar things in coversation, but without the use of actual slurs. Like, I might say ‘Absolutely! We should bring back slavery!’ jovially to see how people react.
However, as you said, it’s my whiteness that allows me to enter these conversations which makes me wonder if this is a positive way to use my privilege or if it’s pointless fucking around that just amuses me.
I thought about how I would feel if I overheard you talking to the college kids and what I would think. I don’t know if I would assume you to be a klan-level racist, or if I would realise you were actually calling the white kids out on their racism, and I guess that’s an important thing to consider, like, what are the results?
After reading your post, I pretty much agreed with your conclusion; pull the stunt but without the slurs. I like making white people uncomfortable and in general I’m the type of person who likes to watch how people react to things.
I don’t think the post was shitty of you because I think it was honest and you concluded with the same thoughts I have. I mean, I’m white though, so reading the word repeatedly probably doesn’t have the same sting to me it might have for black readers. I don’t know.
I also love that you followed up with this post noting the differences in which slurs you get called out for, observant, and an important point
I think though it could be because the ableist slurs were warranted, as you said, while your use of the word ‘nigger’ was maybe not seen as a slur, y’know, you’re not ‘really’ using a slur, you don’t mean it and you don’t target it at black people anyway…
Umm, I haven’t really given a substantial answer, despite writing tons, I think I’ve gone round in circles really :/ I just thought I’d chime in cos I ended up not commenting on the other post.
I love your blog btw, most of your posts look at things from angles I don’t see often enough
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I liked the post and I didn’t think you were being shitty at all. I love your social experiments. I’ve kinda had the the same ideas, but I’ve been too shy to speak up when the opportunity occurs.
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I’m extremely new to your blog (meaning I just discovered it a week ago), but as a black female, that post did cause me to pause before subscribing to your blog anyway. I think white people may not realize how much black people who are in regular contact with white people tend to analyze intent before we judge whether or not you or something you’ve said is racist. I read so many comments all over the blogosphere that talk about black people overreacting or playing the race card, and I’m always thinking “No! If I like you, I really really don’t want to call you a racist!” Many of us really do analyze, and sometimes make excuses for, latent offenses that may occur.
So that said, I had to sit and figure out how I felt about your usage of the n-word (I hate it, and won’t say it), both in writing that post and in the real life examples that you gave. As far as you writing it goes, I probably would have been more comfortable if you’d only used it when quoting what you’d said to people in the examples that you gave. Otherwise, it seemed gratuitous, and I know that I tend to be weary of liberal white people who so freely use that word because I’m supposed to know that they’re ‘totally not racist!’ and that they’re just trying to prove a point.
And I pretty much came to a similar conclusion that you did about your usage in those conversations: the point was probably missed by them, and they probably actually felt better about themselves and their coded racism, because its more “high class” to be faux politically correct.
I sort of rambled, but in short, I got that your intent wasn’t to hurt or offend any people of color, and I found value in everything else that you’ve written (that post included), so I’m a regular reader now.
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Thank you very much for this, I’m grateful to hear about your inner thought process concerning this post.
I think my reasons for making that post were really mixed and complex and… well, a lot of them unexamined at the time. Which is part of why I hit publish instead of thinking on it for another year or so. I often find I can’t start to examine my hidden feelings about a thing until I put it out there and then panic a few days later thinking, “Oh my god, what the hell did I just do? And why did I do it?” I feel like, if I’m serious about working on my racism, I have to be serious about embarrassing and humiliating myself in public and private, because if anti-racism was easy and fun, we’d all be doing it.
I think my bear was really dead-on when he pointed out that even though I concluded my post with, “So I won’t be doing that anymore!” that entire post was just me doing it again. And I think he was equally dead-on that I probably did that because I am suddenly popular and vaguely uncomfortable with it. I get wary of lots of compliments of the “you’re so insightful!” variety, because I often feel like that quickly turns into, “Now you can be insightful so I don’t have to!” and/or indiscriminate blog worship, when what I really appreciate most is people putting out their own thoughts or stories and examining themselves in turn. It’s probably a whole other post to describe why I feel that way, but I do. So immediately after getting a truckload of “OMG SO AMAZING” comments, I bust out the least classy material I’ve got to see who’s going to fight me on this and who’s going to indiscriminately tell me it was amazing.
Which, you know… I’m not judging my intention there one way or another, it’s my own neurotic bag, but appropriating an offensive and hurtful racial epithet to meet my own neurotic ends is a pretty privileged thing to do. And then to stand up on my high horse and say, “All you people let my use of the n-word slide by, tsk tsk tsk, off I ride to my anti-racism palace where YOU ARE NOT INVITED,” after a post full of racist terminology, well, that’s pretty goddamn privileged, too.
I also go back and forth on the “you used it too much” line (not just from you), because my first reaction to that is to hear some Average White Person in my head say, “Well, it’s okay to say it once or twice, but really, not that much,” when I feel like there’s no such thing as “a little racism.” Either I said a racist thing or I didn’t say a racist thing, and I am pretty sure I said a racist thing, and it wouldn’t have been less racist if I was just politer about it. Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like when I wear my anti-racism and White Person Who Majored in African-American Studies badge on my sleeve, white people are willing to let me get away with a lot more because I am perhaps privy to some secret knowledge of What Is Okay To Say Now that they are not. And so then I feel like provoking them into having the guts to rebuke me, so we can start having a real on-the-table talk about racism instead of having one Identified Expert and everybody else terrified of opening their mouths. I also get annoyed by having a blog where I talk about, “Hey, feminism ‘n stuff!” and get all sorts of vocal folk coming in to talk, and then I say something really offensive about race and get a lot of crickets chirping. It’s like, come on, man, we’re either in this for everybody or we’re in it for nobody.
But all of that is really privileged, too, not just because I’m invoking my right to use a word that I really don’t have a right to use WHILE simultaneously saying “hey guys I get to keep my smug anti-racist badge anyway n-word n-word n-word,” but because it relies on the presumption that I am surrounded by white people every time I’m having this conversation. Which says more about the state of my anti-racist work than anything I might try to verbalize or excuse.
Anyway, thank you for your comment, because it has helped me work through some stuff in my head, and that wasn’t something you had any obligation to do, so I’m grateful for the gift.
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I used to think it was okay to use that word as long as I “wasn’t being racist.” But after having several conversations in mostly an academic setting, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t be saying that word because it is inherently racist for me, with my privilege, to think that I can use it without “being racist.”
Another commenter suggested that intent is paramount when determining racist behavior. I disagree. My intent has very little to do with it, in my opinion.
I read the post you’re talking about, but didn’t shoot you down because… well I have a hard enough time trying to deal with my shit. I’m not going to assume to be the privilege police.
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I appreciate the stance of “intent having very little to do with it,” especially when it comes to self-evaluation. I approach my own feelings on the matter in the same way, and I certainly don’t want it to sound like my post meant I believed intent was “paramount.” Racist behavior is racist behavior, and I don’t mean to imply that good intentions would necessarily temper that.
But Harriet’s [apologies for the familiarity] question was whether the post was shitty of her, and for that question I though intentions were something that needed considered. Maybe this issue can’t be split, but I felt like it could. Her intentions were not malicious [neither actively malicious nor ignorantly malicious], so no, I didn’t think it was shitty of her. Knowing [or at least attempting to divine] those intentions allowed me to approach her question. I did think it was sort of racist and unnecessary, and she probably shouldn’t do it anymore.
Anyway, sorry for the misunderstanding. It’s easy when working through something like this for me to misspeak.
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“It’s like, come on, man, we’re either in this for everybody or we’re in it for nobody”
It’s sentiments like these that make this blog worthwhile for me.
I do have a question about this reply. When you’re wearing the Identified Expert badge, and trying to provoke a response from a group of people, what are you looking to get out of them? If it is anything specific.
I ask because I’m sort of a language guy, and when I approach this subject I do so at least partly from that perspective – words, history of the words, their origins and meanings, etc. And I’m always worried this might be unsatisfying/unhelpful for the person asking.
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“Lame”? Dammit!
Oh, man! I haven’t felt this stupid since the time a friend called me out for using “gyp.”
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Mostly, I’m just looking for somebody to chime in with any thoughts of their own. I often feel like I can spend fifteen minutes talking about hurricane Katrina, or I can spend fifteen minutes spouting off racial epithets, and I’ll likely get zero interaction on either. I feel like white people are so terrified of saying something wrong about race (when they’re in earshot of somebody who might call them out on their racism) that they default to saying nothing at all, and just quietly agree with whoever is the current Ambassador of All Thoughts Racially-Related. If I say something like, “That Supreme Court decision with the fire fighters was utter bullshit,” and get nothing, I’m going to be far more irritated than if I get a disagreement, because at least a disagreement involves some degree of conversation and possibly the vulnerability of laying your opinions bare.
I guess, to sum up, I get annoyed that when I talk about race in a group of white people, I seem to be the only one talking. I care less about the content of the conversation than I do about having a conversation start at all. This shit just festers when it stays hidden.
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It was the first time I felt kind of old and fuddy-duddy. Like, “What? That’s an offensive word now? When did that happen? Oh my god, I miss all the stop-being-an-asshole memos.”
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The word makes me incredibly uncomfortable when spoken aloud. I’m pretty sure I visibly flinch. And I don’t think I could ever force myself to say it.
But maybe that’s why it should be put out there every once in awhile. Something so hard needs to be dealt with, openly discussed. That’s why I’ve started reading your blog. You don’t shy away from the really gritty, offensive, emotionally-triggering stuff. I’ve learned a lot about myself just by reading what you’ve had to say. No, it’s not exactly pleasant but that’s the point.
“This shit just festers when it stays hidden.”
That is so true. It’s time to start talking about it, with everyone.
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The conversation about racism tends to change when you live in a place with a different racial makeup, as in a town of 100,000 in which approximately 20 of those people are black. Not 20%, just 20. (Maybe 50, but it’s very rare.)
The majority is Hispanic (not Latino or any other PC word that my PC city friends would hand me, and have even tried to correct mewith–it’s Hispanic) and then we have Anglos, American Indians, and Mexican Nationals. The most accute and dangerous racial divides are between local Hispanics and Mexican Nationals. But there are also divides between Anglos, the ones who’ve lived here all their lives and the ones who relocate here. And of course there are divides between Hispanic and Anglo, and American Indians and everyone else.
It always seems like the ability/priviledge to talk about black/white racism is that of people in areas where there is a good mix of black and white, but other races aren’t always integrated into the conversation, and I’m sure someone unfamiliar with the place I live would question my take on the level/types of racism here, but that would be making lots of assumptions about a place you’ve never been.
The racial issues here would take a Harriet-Jacobs-length essay to even begin to get at. Terrible insinuations on all sides that go back farther than the American black/white debate because this city was founded before Jamestown. Racism and oppression and terror and the taking-away of lands is more a fabic of this city’s history than its current tourism, which likes to paint the “tri-culture” as a pretty, pretty sunset (and leave out Mexican immigrants). And it tries to tell the world that there is no strife here, just art and adobe. No K-Mart or gangs, which could not be further from the truth. There is hate and resentment, and we can only hope that the growing generational divide will take care of some of it.
I haven’t even touched on the fascinating complication of Conversos–Hispanic Catholics that find out they are historically Jewish; their families hid their religion when brought over here as slaves by the Conquistadors 400 years ago. We now have a Catholic priest who goes to Friday night services because he will not deny that part of himself anymore. Saw him on the news. Fucking fascinating.
But, very few blacks, Asians, Arabs, etc. What of being anti-racist when we go beyond black and white and deal with people who all think they have “a right” to this land? How do you work that in to the national conversation?
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Hey asshole, I don’t indiscriminately say you’re amazing, your writing really IS amazing! Don’t devalue yourself!
And while I’m a whitey, I personally try not to use the n-word. My girlfriend does anti-racist/diversity work and maintains that white folk can never, never say it, but I disagree. I don’t believe that separating some words aside, saying they’re unusable, does anything at all in terms of combating racism. It just forces most folks to hide their racism from themselves, and/or to keep that tight veneer of respectability on society.
That said, we can face racism without using the word unnecessarily, and even though it’s fun and provocative to confront some total dickwads with their bias, you have to own everything that busting out the n-word can do. Which you did in part with that post.
Probably most of your readers are white liberally types such as myself and probably we feel “unqualified,” in a way, to talk about racism. That’s one of the biggest tasks in front of white anti-racists. Get in there and convince white folk that they should support this fight, and that they are probably part of the problem.
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It has been a long time since I have read that post. Since I am only a partial “whitie” (1/2) I just wanted to let you know that I do not get offended by any of your posts. You are raw, truthful and insightful. I enjoy reading your posts. Being blunt myself, I see no way to make these subjects flowery, as a matter of fact, it is hard to make any situation flowery when you are speaking the truth. Since I have been reading your blog for quite a while, I see what points you are trying to make. You focus on rape and racism in a way that is so to the point that it is unbelievable. You have helped me realized the extent of how disfunctional my relationship was and you helped me get any confusion and gray areas of what was happening to me in my life.
Like most who have posted, I wouldn’t use the “N” word, don’t care for the “N” word- but your use of it is to really make a point. I understand your point. There is no ambiguity in your stance.
Thank you for being so clear, when everyone else dances around a subject.
sirirad
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I am new to your blog and I had just fallen in love with it and added you to my google reader when that post happened. I read all the way through; it was for the most part a fantastic post… but then I went away until now.
Because you are in my reader I knew there were updates but I didn’t even look to see what they were…. Reading this post today is feeling like when everything lines up and you can understand something that you previously could not see. I knew that I loved your blog and wanted to keep reading you. But that post with the 19 times (I didn’t count)…. yeah, I guess subconsciously I was wondering if this was going to be a safe space for me.
I’m not doing much calling out these days, not on my own blog or on other people’s. I’m weary.
So thank you for this update and I’ll keep reading.
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Thank you for sharing.
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I KNOW!
The thing is, if you are NOT self-identifying as POC to the internets preemptively, and you talk about RACE, like AT ALL, you get so much negative feedback that if you are too thick-headed or idealistic to stop after the first time, you will usually stop after the tenth.
I have come away from the “internet race conversation” which could equally accurately be called the “Internet race non-converstion” with the impression that the subject of race is totally radioactive: that is to say, that if you EVEN TALK ABOUT IT, RACE, AT ALL, you are forever branded a racist.
Like, IT GETS ON YOU and you can’t EVER wash it off. You are officially an asshole forever, and no one will want to admit to liking you.
And that is just for bringing it up, nevermind if you say something controversial. Unremarkably, people who would like to remain well-thought-of on the internets just completely fucking avoid the topic of race like it is a plutonium rod.
Thus, the experience of talking about race to a bunch of white people are hearing crickets. Because most internet-savvy white people have learned that if there is ONE THING they should do, it is NOT TALK ABOUT RACE!
Like you, I think it would be better to get a conversation going, and for there to be a free interchange of ideas, and for people to realize that other people are people, all people, ALL OF US ARE PEOPLE, even WOMEN, even BLACKS. I mean, the internet is perfect for realizing that all people are people, because here we are all words on a page and nothing more!
Instead, the internet has shown itself to be, not a utopia of free interchange of ideas, but a microcosm of the Same Old Shit. I am sure I don’t have to tell you that every Feminist blog out there, including this one, have comment threads that, if unmoderated, would be almost NOTHING but males threatening females with rape and bodily harm. I can only imagine that other oppressed populations have internet experiences that are similar: pile-ons of White Dudes grossly establishing their dominance with various sorts of ugliness. Ugh.
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