Answering The Phone Is Balls

After all my talk of working on my anger…

Phone Call 1:

Man: Hi, I live in Mexico part of the year…
Me: Okay.
Man: So I’ve got a lot of friends in Mexico.
Me: (preparing to get out the info on international adoptions) Uh-huh.
Man: And they’re coming up to visit me at some point.
Me: Okaaaaaay…
Man: So, what’s the best way to get visas for them?
Me: …
Man: So they can visit, you know.
Me: Sir, we’re an adoption advocacy organization.
Man: So…
Me: So we don’t have any information about visas.
Man: I just want them to visit me…
Me: Yeah, we don’t… we can’t help you. We don’t do that. Nothing we do involves visas. (he tries to interrupt me) Nothing about our organization has anything to do with visas. You need to contact someone in your government.
Man: It’s just that…
Me: WHAT
Man: Well, I know in Mexico, you go to the Counsel to get visas.
Me: Uh-huh.
Man: And you guys are the counsel…
Me: Our name has the word council in it… but we’re not connected to the government in any way.
Man: I just looked you up in the phone book.
Me: What were we listed under?
Man: Adoption.
Me: Right.
Man: So what do you suggest I do?
Me: I suggest you call someone else.
Man: Like who?
Me: Got me.
Man: Well, you’re not very helpful.
Me: Uh, yeah.
Man: Thanks for nothing.
Me: Ditto.

Phone Call #2:

Woman: Can I speak to a counselor?
Me: I’m sorry, a what?
Woman: A counselor. Whoever does that.
Me: We don’t have counselors on staff. Is there something specific you need?
Woman: I need a counselor!
Me: We don’t have counselors.
Woman: But that’s who I need to talk to.
Me: What exactly do you want to talk to a counselor about?
Woman: Oh, I had a question about social security and adoption.
Me: Okay! We can answer those questions.
Woman: So you do have counselors.
Me: No, we don’t, but we can answer your question.
Woman: (getting angry) You mean a counselor can answer my question.
Me: (HULKING) I mean somebody in our organization that doesn’t hire counselors and never has can answer your question.
Woman: (cheerfully) Okay! My question is this: (question about social security and adoption)
Me: Okay, that’s a little more complicated than I think I can answer. Let me see if our expert is available.
Woman: Because (repeats question)
Me: Right. I can’t answer that. Let me see if somebody else can.
Woman: I just want to know (repeats question)
Me: I’m putting you on hold. (the guy who can answer her question is at lunch) Okay, sorry about that wait, but it looks like our expert is on lunch. He should be back in half an hour. I can put you to his voicemail, and he can get back to you.
Woman: I had another question.
Me: Okay.
Woman: What is (says something incomprehensible)?
Me: I’m sorry?
Woman: Because I think it’s Medicaid.
Me: Repeat that?
Woman: What is (incomprehensible)?
Me: Yes, I’ve never heard of that, but maybe the fellow who can answer your other question would know.
Woman: Because I think it’s Medicaid.
Me: It very well may be. (dawns on me that she is mispronouncing Title XX, calling it “Teet-elle 10 X X with the 10″) Yes, I think you’ll need to ask that fellow I was going to refer you to.
Woman: Well, let me talk to him then!
Me: As I said, he’s on lunch, but I can put you in his voicemail.
Woman: Hold on, hold on. (noise in background)
Woman’s Husband: Hello? You the counselor?
Me: I AM NOT A COUNSELOR. WE DO NOT HAVE COUNSELORS ON STAFF. THERE IS SOMEONE ON STAFF WHO CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. HE IS ON LUNCH. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HIS VOICEMAIL.
Woman’s Husband: Honey! Honey, I’m gonna go to the counselor’s voicemail.
Woman in background: Well, thank god! I couldn’t get a damn thing out of her!

Phone Call #3:

A message on our voicemail. It lasts twenty minutes. I timed it. I timed it. It is a woman who wants a loan to pay off her truck because she wants to adopt children but can’t until her truck is fixed.

I know the names of her cats. I know that Dipsy has a problem with his gallbladder (cats have gallbladders?)

I know about her cancer and her brother’s cancer and the cancer her husband’s sister had that turned out not to be cancer.

I know that her roof had hail damage last year.

I know her bank account numbers (she wanted me to wire the money right in).

I know her Social Security number (in case I needed it for the wire).

I know how she met her husband, and when was the last time they (eugh) tried to have children.

I know that her husband was adopted from the South but doesn’t speak with a Southern accent though she has tried to get him to do so and he has not appreciated that, no sir, no sir.

I do not know how to call her back, but this is just one of the little blessings of life.

Phone Call #4:

I call an Internet Service Provider to cancel an account. You can imagine well enough the conversation that is had that leads to me saying:

“Cancel the account. Cancel the goddamn account. If the next word out of you isn’t my cancellation confirmation number, I want to talk to your supervisor. Nothing else you can say is worth a goddamn fuck’s sake shit cancel the account.”

“But it’s only 3.95–”

I wanted to break the phone, but because I am trying not to be so angry, I instead pulled up Rick Astley on YouTube, dropped my phone next to the computer speakers, and turned it up. After the song played, I hung up, then called back. The next rep told me, “Oh! Your account has already been canceled. Did you call earlier?”