Toxic bucket is full
Lolrus can has it
This winter has sucked. Am I right that this winter has sucked? Fucking. Sucks.
My anxiety/anger/no good very bad day bucket is overflowing like whoa. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, just stared at the ceiling for five hours. Every time I’d start to fade out, shut my eyes, start to have weird thoughts that are precursors to dream thoughts, my heart would speed up like a jackhammer, my tummy would drop out, and I’d jerk awake in the middle of an adrenaline rush
I left work early to get more sleep, and was exhausted enough to pass out, but when I started to wake up the heart-shaking tummy-quaking started again. When I got up and started making dinner, I thought maybe I was just starving, having slept so long. But after trying to shove some food down my gullet, I realized I was on the verge of a panic attack.
I have got a lot of stress. I don’t feel like talking about it here. Everything is just kind of, kind of, kind of
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwSYBMLTbWY&feature=related]
Yeah.
New regimen:
- Try to belly dance every night. Yep, I belly dance. When I think about trying to exercise for exercise’s sake, I bring up a boatload of body issues and guilt and anxiety. But dancing is a thing I do for fun and hobby and sexy, and like any physical exercise, it gives me such a break from my swirling mind. I am just focused on moving my body. I do not think about anything else. Oh man I need a break from the pulsing brain of fear.
- Rumi and Bhagavad-Gita at work.
- Al-Anon affirmation in the morning
- Al-Anon manual at night
- Maybe Al-Anon — I just can’t deal with maintaining my balanced end of a friendship right now, but I think I do need people. I think curling up in a cave is inching over into the land of more harm than good. And surrounding myself with recovery does a lot to straighten out my thinking. I was just reading my Al-Anon manual, reading about anxiety and the terror of daily life, and all the things that go through your head about “if only this, I would be happy…” and I could just feel my breathing and my heart rate slow. It was like coming out of a migraine, reading about how I felt during a time when I’m so jacked up I can’t possibly vocalize or comprehend it.
- Tea. Tea with chammomile. Tea with St. John’s Wort. Tea with all the relaxing non-anxiety-provoking herbs in the world. I am not sure how much I believe in the power of these herbs (or my ability to use them correctly), but spending time thinking about teas and putting them together in creative helpful ways is good self-care, and good distraction. I can’t take complex thoughts right now. I can take thoughts about lavender smelling really nice, and how I will put it in my hair and feel nice all day.
- Xena episodes. Awesome distraction technique.
- I need to think something nice about myself or my life once a day. I only think angry bitter things now. Okay, here goes: I have learned when to admit that my toxic bucket is overflowing, and I need to go to a meeting. That didn’t used to be the case, and it was a hard lesson, and I’m proud that I’ve learned it.
What do you do to keep the panic and anxiety at bay?
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Honestly? A lot of the time I read your blog, or something similar. Reading about how the world isn’t the candy-coated happy place people expect me to think it is helps. Being in a state of mind where I don’t have to pretend I’m happy, don’t have to pretend I have no problems. Reading about fucked up stuff helps get me from anxiety to anger, and sometimes if I’m lucky then I can get from anger to determination. But even anger is better, because then at least I’m not so scared of my own thought processes.
Sometimes I’ll just have some stompy scowling time around the house. I’ll wear a badass coat and imagine scenarios where I can give some smartass answer. It doesn’t make the problem go away, but it’s a good distraction.
Man that sounds silly.
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I write – or I, too, read blogs like this.
I find it does help to read thought processes – the whole map – the missteps and insecurities and doubling back. Specifically the thought processes of someone who is thoughtful and willing to examine ruthlessly, but also with compassion. By that I mean willing to point out diseased areas within themselves and others, with the understanding that no one really wants to be diseased but may not know how/have the strength to fix themselves.
When everything seems to be too much of a shitty morass, when I can’t seem to find anything to navigate by, it can really help to “walk” alongside the thought process of someone navigating similar territory. It does help to find something familiar and similar in another person, to know (remember) that there are “others” out there, and yes, that they are struggling.
It assists me with processing my own thoughts about particular subjects and also activates empathy, which can really be a strong rope with which to pull one’s self out of a pit. For selfless and selfish reasons, combined. Empathy and compassion can get us outside of ourselves, activate our “higher selves”, etc. so that the focus is no longer on and within the part of ourselves that feels isolated and weak. There is a strength in feeling for others.
I think that the way we feel about others is a mirror reflection of how we feel about ourselves. If I read what another experiences and find myself feeling empathetic, feeling that they are not weak, feeling admiration and other positive things about them, it strengthens me, as well. If I find it understandable that they should buckle or fall, at times, I am more likely to “forgive” myself for the times I fall. If I find myself rooting for them, then I am more likely to root for myself and allow myself the space I need to make mistakes, rest, get back on my feet.
Because the important thing is that we get up again. That we make ourselves as “well” as we can. It is important. I wish it for me, I wish it for others, I wish it for you. All the time, every single time we buckle or fall. Reading blogs like this can remind me of this, can help me set myself right again. Because sometimes I do forget.
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