News round-up for mid-June

I like Obama fairly well. I don’t think I’ll vote for him. I think I’ll write in “Some Other Crook,” because I think this country is broken, and I don’t believe in any way, shape, or form that I have any control over the lurking, monied behemoth that manages the most intimate details of my life in the most callous and dehumanizing way. I’ve quit being a democrat and become mostly an anarchist, because I think that despite all loyalties to a party or a government, we are more or less living in anarchy anyway. Just an anarchy with enough technology and resources to create barons and dukes.

Most things I hear about Obama, I like. I didn’t like his race speech because, well, it’s sort of like praising a grown man for tying his shoes. The speech was nice enough and everything, nothing wrong with it inherently, except that it was the most timid little “hey, America, race still exists,” speech, and America responded with a big fat pat on the back for having listened to a black dude talk about race. I do not appreciate the very timid language we use to address racial inequality, and the corresponding enormous praise we heap upon ourselves for being willing to admit racism exists, maybe, sometimes, sort of, theoretically.

The only thing I dramatically hate about Obama so far is his denouncing of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who made some real speeches about race without the timid language that white folk can get misty-eyed about, and got canned for it. I think Obama sold out hard on that one, in order to not terrify white America. And while I can see that he did what he did because there was really no other way to keep white America in thrall with a black man while consequently being part of an institution that has been openly and brazenly angry with white America, I can’t respect it. Our vision of politics in this country necessitates destroying anything good in a person before they can take office, and I can’t throw my support into that machine because it’s “good enough” or “not as bad as it could be” or “just the way it is.” I do not support a distinction between how I would live my own life and some mystical magical world of alternate rules out there, and in my own life, I cannot support, respect, or trust a person who cuts themselves off from the most fundamental and important aspects of their identity, past, and family in order to acquire money and popularity. That is not somebody who is bringing anything good into my life; that is somebody who is bringing the possibility of cutting me off when I, too, become expendable. And that is somebody who puts their faith in an echo chamber of “the way it is” instead of holding onto what they know or feel is right. That’s somebody without intergrity.

Anyway. I didn’t mean to say that much about Obama. Overall, I still like him better than any other candidate I’ve seen in years, but overall, I am still not going to vote for him, because he’s still not good enough. In any case, this got me all hot:

His basic argument is the public funding system for elections is so broken and corrupt that he cannot accept the money, because that will be accepting the consequences of being funded by broken and corrupt people who want broken and corrupt things in return.

I generally hate the idea of how much money it takes to run an election campaign in the first place. With the money these candidates are raising, we could pay off our national debt. We could fund health care. We could fund health care, education, and an entire public works system in Iraq. But instead that money is being used to make a big traveling circus, because America has priorities.

Speaking of money, this also made me pretty hot; this is what happens to people who puncture the traveling circus. Of course, because I can leave no joy unsullied, this also made me pretty angry. Executives like this can shit on the general populace all they want, but until they come near the circus, nobody cares. They live on a different planet than the rest of us. Think we have a government? Well, if by government you mean laws, then yes, you have a government, you must follow the laws. But to corporations like this, or our own government, who live on a different planet with goals that do not concern us except as means to an end, there is utter anarchy. The only time the laws apply to corporations is when they bump up against a bigger money-machine, a bigger circus.

Of course, you can always shop around for another circus.

In other news, Bush brought his circus down to Illinois. Oops, was that wrong link? . Thanks for jet-setting in to stand in everybody’s way, dickshit. Pretty fucking helpful.

In more personal news, in the last week I have spotted my ex in the neighborhood around my work. On my way home yesterday, I confirmed that it was him, because of a few obvious personal details, and because he is the only asshole I know who chain smokes while riding a bike uphill. It is likely to be a coincidence, since I hear he has started attending the college his father works at (since that is the only way he can get into a school), and that college is conceivably near enough my work that there could be a legitimate reason that he is around here all the time. But since he just recently tried to contact me so we could get together and hash out our differences (that is, I raped you but you should really shut the fuck up about it because it’s embarrassing), I am not taking any chances.

The last time he wanted to get together for “closure” — just after I’d left him but just before the divorce — and I refused to see him, he showed up at my apartment. Because I wanted to get the divorce done as quickly as possible, was terribly frightened, and didn’t understand my rights, I didn’t call the police and just said everything he wanted to hear until he left. Later he apologized for coming by, but he had just been “so angry” that I had threatened to call the police if he came near me, because he needed closure and it wasn’t fair that I threatened him. I told him closure was his responsibility, not mine, and he said, “Yes, I know it’s my responsibility. That’s why I came to see you.”

In any case, because the last time I refused to see him he showed up forcefully at home, I’m not willing to assume he won’t try something like that again. And since he knows I keep an angry bear at home now, he would be more likely to show up at work. So I made an announcement at our staff meeting yesterday, and today am passing around a picture of him.

It was a distasteful announcement to have to make, though in many ways it made me feel good. During the divorce, when I was much more afraid of Flint, I only mentioned my fear that he might show up to my boss and nobody else. I was too ashamed to talk about it, and felt too inhibited and shy in every way; it was nearly impossible for me to tell my boss, and I did it more out of fear that Flint would show up and my boss would hold it against me for not having warned him. When I realized it would be best this time around to let everybody know, I didn’t feel that same inhibition. I got exactly the reception I expected — questions about my safety, apologies for my going through bullshit, and promises to beat him up — and really didn’t even realize until afterwards that I had basically just “come out” as an abused woman, which is probably the most intensely personal I have ever gotten with a group of disparate people like that.

To me, it was a really good indication of how much things have changed, and how much of that change has been internal. Not to say the internal isn’t a long and grueling process, but it’s a shift in perception for me to understand how much of my life is in my own control. I can’t control the fact that my ex-husband is out there possibly being a creepy fuck, but I can control how I deal with it, what steps I take to keep myself safe, and whether or not I’m going to feel ashamed of myself for it.

There is a woman in our office who I suspect very strongly (which is just my benefit-of-the-doubt way of saying “I know”) is in an abusive relationship. She has expressed her sense of utter desolation and hopelessness at leaving him before, listing all the ways that it could never work, it could never happen. I have seen her, in conversation, start to say something sad and horrible about her life, then stop herself short and say something mean about another person or herself instead. It’s made her a generally disagreeable person, and she’s not well-liked in the office, which I can’t blame anybody for; even though everybody generally knows the source of it, that still doesn’t make her pleasant to be around. But I also recognize that her inability to really connect with others, that rough wall she throws up, is really just a manifestation of paralyzing fear and shame. I wanted to tell my office about the possibility of my ex showing up for my own safety and theirs, but an additional benefit was showing this woman how little she had to be ashamed of. I was always afraid people would react with disgust and horror if I told them what my life was like, because I felt disgusted and horrified, and disgusting and horrible. Anyway, I hope she got to see how supportive, kind, and compassionate people can be, and I hope that will make a small difference for her.